Helping Children Work Through Their Grief
(Writer Unknown)
You are going through your own intense grief. There are many decisions and details to be handled. Although family and
friends cannot take your pain away or change what happened, they may be a comfort during the first difficult weeks.
Children need a support network too.
A parent is the most important part of the network. Parents who openly talk about their grief, cry, and express frustration
are letting their children know that it is okay for them to do so too.
It is painful to see children in distress after hearing sad news. Although the death of a loved one is hard for the child, it is
even harder if the death was not explained to them. It is better for a child to mourn in the company of family than to mourn
alone, wondering, yet afraid to ask questions. As a parent, you can let the child know that while you might not understand
everything about death, you will still try to answer the child's questions. You know your child best. You will have to sense
how much of an answer, and how much detail the child wants. You might ask your child to repeat back to you what you
have just said, because you "want to be sure you explained it right." Here are some questions that many children wonder
about and some suggested answers.
Is death like sleeping?
Children who are told that death is like sleeping may develop fears about falling asleep. Try to explain to your children
that death is not the same as sleeping. When you go to sleep your body still works. You still breathe, your heart beats
and you dream. When a person is dead, his or her body doesn't work anymore.
Why did this person have to die?
If the death was from an illness, explain that the person got very sick and his/her body couldn't fight the sickness any
more and it stopped working. Assure your children that if they get the flu or if you get sick, your bodies can fight the illness
and get better, because your bodies still work. Explain that people do not usually die when they get sick. Most people get
better.
If the death was from an accident, explain that the person was hurt so badly that his/her body stopped working. Explain
that when most people get hurt they can get better.
Will you die? Will I die?
Children look for reassurance. Let your children know that most people live for a long time. You could also explain who
would take care of them if you did die. Let them know to whom they should go for help if there is a family emergency.
Children cannot carry the same burden or pain as an adult. Try to balance, as best you can, the sharing of sad feelings
with the sharing of the more pleasant activities. Be sure to let your children know how much they are valued.
Did I do or think something bad to cause the death?
A child might remember a fight with the brother, sister, or parent who died, or maybe even wishing that a deceased
brother or sister wasn't around to get so much attention from Mom and Dad. Maybe the child said, "I wish you'd go away
from me," or even "I wish you were dead." The child must be reassured that saying and wishing such things does not
cause a death to happen.
Will they come back?
"Forever" is not easy for young children to understand. They see that people go away and come back, that cartoon
characters die and then jump up again. Young children may need to be told several times that their loved one won't be
back. As time goes on, with ongoing support, the child will come to terms with the loss.
Are they cold? What will they eat?
Young children may think a dead body still has feelings, walks, and talks, under the ground. Some children might
imagine a cemetery as a sort of "underground apartment complex." You may need to explain that a dead body doesn't
work anymore and that it can no longer breathe, walk, talk, or eat.
Why did God let this happen?
Answer questions related to God and to your faith according to your own beliefs. You may also want the counsel of your
clergy. Realize that it is okay to not have answers for everything. Children can accept that you, too, have a hard time
understanding some things. It is best to avoid suggesting God "took" the person to be with Him, or that "only the good
die young." Some children may fear that God will take them away too, or they will try to be "bad" so that they won't die also.
Returning to School
After a death in the family, going back to school may be difficult. You can make going back to school easier by helping
your child with some answers to questions and remarks from schoolmates. The child should know that it is also fine to
not answer questions. You may want to contact the school principal, your child's teacher, the school social worker or
counselor before your child's return to school to discuss what you would like shared with his or her classmates.
Schoolmates may not always be sensitive to your child's feelings. Your child should know that others may not be
comfortable talking about the person who has died, but that your home will always be a place where you and your child
can talk about and remember that person.
Comforting Young Children
Young children may show grief in unique ways. For example, children may pretend to themselves that the person has
not died. Their moods may seesaw between happiness and depression. It is important not to ignore a child's grief. You
may want to set aside time each day to support and talk to your children about their feelings and to help them remember
the positive things about the person. Holding your children on your lap or nearby while you talk can help to ease their
pain as well as your own.
Comforting Your Older Children
Each person who has lost a parent or other family member will grieve according to his or her personality, age, and
experiences. Children of high school age or even of college age have special needs that are different from others. A child
12 years or older can understand complex relationships between events such as the loss of a parent and the resulting
effects on the family. Children need help in talking about their own needs and learning how to deal with them. Children
from the same family may cope in different ways and will need individual support.
A teenager will need time to mourn after the death of a parent. There should be a chance to let the child discuss his or
her feelings about the death. There is also a need to talk about how the loss of the family member will change the roles
within the family. As a unit, the family should talk about how role changes and new responsibilities will be handled.
An older child who is away at college may feel very alone after a death in the family. It is important to keep a channel of
communication open between the child and other family members. The school or college may offer avenues of help and
support such as campus chaplains or support groups. Campus counseling offices or services may be able to inform
you about such resources.
As a family, it is important to keep the lines of communication open. Bereavement can be a very stressful time, and can
also be a time where past conflicts might increase. It is crucial to talk about the losses experienced and to support each
other in your grief.
(Writer Unknown)
You are going through your own intense grief. There are many decisions and details to be handled. Although family and
friends cannot take your pain away or change what happened, they may be a comfort during the first difficult weeks.
Children need a support network too.
A parent is the most important part of the network. Parents who openly talk about their grief, cry, and express frustration
are letting their children know that it is okay for them to do so too.
It is painful to see children in distress after hearing sad news. Although the death of a loved one is hard for the child, it is
even harder if the death was not explained to them. It is better for a child to mourn in the company of family than to mourn
alone, wondering, yet afraid to ask questions. As a parent, you can let the child know that while you might not understand
everything about death, you will still try to answer the child's questions. You know your child best. You will have to sense
how much of an answer, and how much detail the child wants. You might ask your child to repeat back to you what you
have just said, because you "want to be sure you explained it right." Here are some questions that many children wonder
about and some suggested answers.
Is death like sleeping?
Children who are told that death is like sleeping may develop fears about falling asleep. Try to explain to your children
that death is not the same as sleeping. When you go to sleep your body still works. You still breathe, your heart beats
and you dream. When a person is dead, his or her body doesn't work anymore.
Why did this person have to die?
If the death was from an illness, explain that the person got very sick and his/her body couldn't fight the sickness any
more and it stopped working. Assure your children that if they get the flu or if you get sick, your bodies can fight the illness
and get better, because your bodies still work. Explain that people do not usually die when they get sick. Most people get
better.
If the death was from an accident, explain that the person was hurt so badly that his/her body stopped working. Explain
that when most people get hurt they can get better.
Will you die? Will I die?
Children look for reassurance. Let your children know that most people live for a long time. You could also explain who
would take care of them if you did die. Let them know to whom they should go for help if there is a family emergency.
Children cannot carry the same burden or pain as an adult. Try to balance, as best you can, the sharing of sad feelings
with the sharing of the more pleasant activities. Be sure to let your children know how much they are valued.
Did I do or think something bad to cause the death?
A child might remember a fight with the brother, sister, or parent who died, or maybe even wishing that a deceased
brother or sister wasn't around to get so much attention from Mom and Dad. Maybe the child said, "I wish you'd go away
from me," or even "I wish you were dead." The child must be reassured that saying and wishing such things does not
cause a death to happen.
Will they come back?
"Forever" is not easy for young children to understand. They see that people go away and come back, that cartoon
characters die and then jump up again. Young children may need to be told several times that their loved one won't be
back. As time goes on, with ongoing support, the child will come to terms with the loss.
Are they cold? What will they eat?
Young children may think a dead body still has feelings, walks, and talks, under the ground. Some children might
imagine a cemetery as a sort of "underground apartment complex." You may need to explain that a dead body doesn't
work anymore and that it can no longer breathe, walk, talk, or eat.
Why did God let this happen?
Answer questions related to God and to your faith according to your own beliefs. You may also want the counsel of your
clergy. Realize that it is okay to not have answers for everything. Children can accept that you, too, have a hard time
understanding some things. It is best to avoid suggesting God "took" the person to be with Him, or that "only the good
die young." Some children may fear that God will take them away too, or they will try to be "bad" so that they won't die also.
Returning to School
After a death in the family, going back to school may be difficult. You can make going back to school easier by helping
your child with some answers to questions and remarks from schoolmates. The child should know that it is also fine to
not answer questions. You may want to contact the school principal, your child's teacher, the school social worker or
counselor before your child's return to school to discuss what you would like shared with his or her classmates.
Schoolmates may not always be sensitive to your child's feelings. Your child should know that others may not be
comfortable talking about the person who has died, but that your home will always be a place where you and your child
can talk about and remember that person.
Comforting Young Children
Young children may show grief in unique ways. For example, children may pretend to themselves that the person has
not died. Their moods may seesaw between happiness and depression. It is important not to ignore a child's grief. You
may want to set aside time each day to support and talk to your children about their feelings and to help them remember
the positive things about the person. Holding your children on your lap or nearby while you talk can help to ease their
pain as well as your own.
Comforting Your Older Children
Each person who has lost a parent or other family member will grieve according to his or her personality, age, and
experiences. Children of high school age or even of college age have special needs that are different from others. A child
12 years or older can understand complex relationships between events such as the loss of a parent and the resulting
effects on the family. Children need help in talking about their own needs and learning how to deal with them. Children
from the same family may cope in different ways and will need individual support.
A teenager will need time to mourn after the death of a parent. There should be a chance to let the child discuss his or
her feelings about the death. There is also a need to talk about how the loss of the family member will change the roles
within the family. As a unit, the family should talk about how role changes and new responsibilities will be handled.
An older child who is away at college may feel very alone after a death in the family. It is important to keep a channel of
communication open between the child and other family members. The school or college may offer avenues of help and
support such as campus chaplains or support groups. Campus counseling offices or services may be able to inform
you about such resources.
As a family, it is important to keep the lines of communication open. Bereavement can be a very stressful time, and can
also be a time where past conflicts might increase. It is crucial to talk about the losses experienced and to support each
other in your grief.
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