OUR JOURNEY
Marg from QLD, 2008
In 1989, I had a miscarriage when my 1st marriage was broken by infidelity and violence. For 3 weeks after, I was in and out of
hospital with doctors who were concerned there could be a twin ectopic pregnancy. They were wrong. My devastation was
simply prolonged. I remember feeling like the ‘walking dead’. I wanted to die. I had no baby, no husband, no other children,
no where to go and was alone. It was a very traumatic time for me. No one offered emotional support. I had to be strong.
What shattered me the most was neither my ex-husband nor family acknowledged the baby’s existence. I guess because they
hadn’t met or felt her, it was as though she never was. But from the moment she was conceived I had planned, hoped, felt my
body changing, spoken to her and was excited about her. I couldn’t allow myself to ‘let go’ of my precious baby. I was
convinced that would seem to agree she never existed. This was not a conscious reaction... but it was a very strong feeling.
Isaiah 54 offered the hope that I needed to go on. I moved on with my life but continued to struggle for 14 years until exhausted
emotionally, physically and spiritually, I broke down and found help to face my innermost feelings.
I began to consider what Jesus said: “Let the little children come to me & do not forbid them, for of such is the kingdom of
heaven”, then He laid His hands on them (Matt 19v14).
By continuing to grieve, I had, figuratively, forbidden to release my baby to Him. I knew she was already in His care and I would
see her again when I was called home too, but I had been trying to hold her captive in my heart. I knew I had to take my hands
off and let Jesus lay His hands on. I had to trust Him.
She was and always will be precious to me, but it is a lie to believe the Lord doesn’t see her that way too. Even if no one else in
this world feels the same way about her, Jesus does!
Knowing it was time to let go of my control, I arranged a private memorial service in a corner of my garden, with a few close
friends attending. I named my baby ‘Sarah Joy’ and placed a special ornament in her memory, buried some symbolic items in
a little wooden box there, then planted some white lavender. I immediately felt a decade of burden released from my heart.
That was 5 years ago.
I visit this place if ever I miss the thought of her.
Early 2006, after many lonely years, I married my soul-mate. We had God’s handprint all over our relationship right from the
beginning. In 2007, we fell pregnant. We were elated that in our 40’s we would finally have the ‘gift’ of a child. But then I began
to bleed and was confined for weeks. We had the privilege of hearing our baby’s heartbeat at the first ultrasound. Over the
following weeks, my hormone levels continued to rise and I did not miscarry. When the next routine visit to the Gyno was due,
we went along excited with how things were coming along and expected great news. Another ultrasound revealed the baby had
died and was not detected. We came away completely devastated. For my husband and I, the world seemed to almost stop
that day. I remember experiencing that familiar ‘walking dead’ feeling again.
The closeness I share with my loving husband has undoubtedly seen us through some very tough days. But the indisputable
fact is that our Lord God, the same God that created the universe and sustains it in the palm of His hand, has also carried us
through this grief in the comfort of His love.
I cannot pretend that it has been easy, but it has been easier… because I recognise that I need to stop myself, remember, and
allow myself to be real with my grief. You never just ‘get over’ losing your child. You somehow learn to live with it as you let
Jesus meet you where you are.
I permitted myself to ask all the hard questions of God, listen for the answers in His Word and trust Him when He says He has
a plan for our lives. He is not a distant God. He wants to comfort us. (Matt 11v28-30)
In my ‘moments’, I imagine Jesus asking me: “Do you still love me even in spite of your grief?” and I am humbled. So what do
I do from here? How must I react to insensitive reactions to our loss?
Micah 6v8 makes it clear to me: “He has shown you, O (wo)man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you? To do
justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”
People don’t set out to harm us in our state of grief – most just don’t know how to help. I recognise now that it helps to
communicate and relate with other women who share the hurt of losing their precious child/ren. That is why I pray for the
success of ‘Hope and Healing Connection’.
I don’t need to know the future to trust that He will not let me go. He promised He will never forsake me. I believe Him. I don’t
have to know His plan for our lives, I only have to do my part – obey Him.
In 1989, I had a miscarriage when my 1st marriage was broken by infidelity and violence. For 3 weeks after, I was in and out of
hospital with doctors who were concerned there could be a twin ectopic pregnancy. They were wrong. My devastation was
simply prolonged. I remember feeling like the ‘walking dead’. I wanted to die. I had no baby, no husband, no other children,
no where to go and was alone. It was a very traumatic time for me. No one offered emotional support. I had to be strong.
What shattered me the most was neither my ex-husband nor family acknowledged the baby’s existence. I guess because they
hadn’t met or felt her, it was as though she never was. But from the moment she was conceived I had planned, hoped, felt my
body changing, spoken to her and was excited about her. I couldn’t allow myself to ‘let go’ of my precious baby. I was
convinced that would seem to agree she never existed. This was not a conscious reaction... but it was a very strong feeling.
Isaiah 54 offered the hope that I needed to go on. I moved on with my life but continued to struggle for 14 years until exhausted
emotionally, physically and spiritually, I broke down and found help to face my innermost feelings.
I began to consider what Jesus said: “Let the little children come to me & do not forbid them, for of such is the kingdom of
heaven”, then He laid His hands on them (Matt 19v14).
By continuing to grieve, I had, figuratively, forbidden to release my baby to Him. I knew she was already in His care and I would
see her again when I was called home too, but I had been trying to hold her captive in my heart. I knew I had to take my hands
off and let Jesus lay His hands on. I had to trust Him.
She was and always will be precious to me, but it is a lie to believe the Lord doesn’t see her that way too. Even if no one else in
this world feels the same way about her, Jesus does!
Knowing it was time to let go of my control, I arranged a private memorial service in a corner of my garden, with a few close
friends attending. I named my baby ‘Sarah Joy’ and placed a special ornament in her memory, buried some symbolic items in
a little wooden box there, then planted some white lavender. I immediately felt a decade of burden released from my heart.
That was 5 years ago.
I visit this place if ever I miss the thought of her.
Early 2006, after many lonely years, I married my soul-mate. We had God’s handprint all over our relationship right from the
beginning. In 2007, we fell pregnant. We were elated that in our 40’s we would finally have the ‘gift’ of a child. But then I began
to bleed and was confined for weeks. We had the privilege of hearing our baby’s heartbeat at the first ultrasound. Over the
following weeks, my hormone levels continued to rise and I did not miscarry. When the next routine visit to the Gyno was due,
we went along excited with how things were coming along and expected great news. Another ultrasound revealed the baby had
died and was not detected. We came away completely devastated. For my husband and I, the world seemed to almost stop
that day. I remember experiencing that familiar ‘walking dead’ feeling again.
The closeness I share with my loving husband has undoubtedly seen us through some very tough days. But the indisputable
fact is that our Lord God, the same God that created the universe and sustains it in the palm of His hand, has also carried us
through this grief in the comfort of His love.
I cannot pretend that it has been easy, but it has been easier… because I recognise that I need to stop myself, remember, and
allow myself to be real with my grief. You never just ‘get over’ losing your child. You somehow learn to live with it as you let
Jesus meet you where you are.
I permitted myself to ask all the hard questions of God, listen for the answers in His Word and trust Him when He says He has
a plan for our lives. He is not a distant God. He wants to comfort us. (Matt 11v28-30)
In my ‘moments’, I imagine Jesus asking me: “Do you still love me even in spite of your grief?” and I am humbled. So what do
I do from here? How must I react to insensitive reactions to our loss?
Micah 6v8 makes it clear to me: “He has shown you, O (wo)man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you? To do
justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”
People don’t set out to harm us in our state of grief – most just don’t know how to help. I recognise now that it helps to
communicate and relate with other women who share the hurt of losing their precious child/ren. That is why I pray for the
success of ‘Hope and Healing Connection’.
I don’t need to know the future to trust that He will not let me go. He promised He will never forsake me. I believe Him. I don’t
have to know His plan for our lives, I only have to do my part – obey Him.
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More to come...