Our Little Stars -
Steve & Dhackshini Johnson
Jacob Dilshan came into our life (4 years into our marriage) and filled our heart with so much love and joy.
We struggled to conceive for 2 years as I had polistic ovaries. On my birthday, in 2000 Steve bought me a book "Supernatural Childbirth" and I still
remember the tears I shed everyone month when I knew that I was not carrying a child. I am very blessed to have Steve in my life as my husband and
best friend. Steve had never questioned about why I was not getting pregnant and he never made me feel inadequate or less of a woman.
Many of us girls dream about many things, but my dream was to have children and be a stay home mum. I remember taking the home pregnancy
tests (one of many) and to our surprise it showed positive, I had tears running down as I took another test just to make sure that I was seeing things.
I get a chill every time I think back on that wonderful afternoon.
We named our first son Jacob because that was the name I fell in love with when I started to read the Bible and Steve had no objection at all. Dilshan
was a name chosen by Steve. Dil in Tamil means 'Strength' and in Hindi it means 'Life'. I had been praying for a
son for 2 years before conceiving but we did have a girls name picked out too, Jacob would have been
"Jericha Priyalanka" . I always wanted our first born to be a boy because I grew up in a broken home and I had to
grow up very quickly and care for my brother , though I love my brother very much I always wanted a big brother.
Jacob was born prematurely at 23 weeks and was given 10% chance of survival at the time of delivery.
He was in hospital for the first 9 months of his life. Jacob was ventilated (life support) for several weeks.
We nearly lost him at 6 weeks and the age of 6 months due to prematurity and the severity of his chronic lung disease.
I remember the moment when the doctor treating Jacob turn and ask me if we would like to let him go. I screamed,
cried and prayed "Lord don't take my little boy away from me..." I felt the world was against us and all the medical
professionals were concerned about were about the finance aspect of treating premature babies. I often felt helpless
and we fought hard to keep Jacob alive. Doctors often said that he had no hope of coming of his life support let alone
come home.
Jacob was dedicated to the Lord in the ICU at around the age of 6 months. We always prayed with him,
read stories to him and he loved listening to the music and "Baby Bible songs (instrumental)" was his favorite and the
nurses that cared for him knows this very well as often they got sick of hearing it over and over. He would have had no
choice but to grow up to be a Mighty man of God.
To everyone's amazements Jacob was off oxygen for 3 days before coming home on oxygen due to Chronic lung disease and the chest infections.
Jacob was in and out of ICU and wards due to chest infections as the cold weather was not his best friend. Jacob was gradually coming off his
oxygen and was loving being at home with us. Steve & I stayed home full time to care for Jacob and took no outside help from family, friends or
organizations ... we loved every bit of it. It took a long time for Jacob to smile... and when he did nothing was able to stop him... he made our hearts
sing.
Jacob was on full breast milk from birth. I started to express milk from day 1 and 1 expressed to the day of his death. We tried to put Jacob on the
breast but it was just too hard for him and I just wanted the best for my little boy so I stuck to expressing and freezing it. It was hard work as I had to
express every 4 hours. I remember the time after Jacob's death when I had to force my self to express as I started to get sore, I expressed while
having shower and let the milk run into the shower and into the drainage as I cried and cried.
Jacob died at the age of 13.5 months due to a brain hemorrhage (caused by a blood thinning treatment). The most difficult decision that I made was
to turn off his life support ...I remember telling Steve "Its time to let go... I don't want him to suffer no more..." I don't really know if I made the right
choice... and I will never know but at that time I knew that our little boy was no more... The doctors explained how Jacob would pass away very quickly
due to the severity of his bleed as soon as the life support is taken of him but to everyone's surprise Jacob stayed alive in my arms for 8 hours before
he took his last breath and went to be with his Maker. Nothing made sense. As I was holding Jacob in my arms for that whole 8 hours, I sang to him
like I often did and I prayed for miracle though I knew deep inside he would go to be with his Creator. It was the most heartbreaking time of my life
and I pray that no other or father would have to go through it...and I often wonder how people get through without God.
Jacob's last lung x-ray reveled that his lungs were at his best... Nothing made sense. No real explanation.
For the first time in many months I went home with an empty arm. I would often ask Steve to call "Bethel Funerals" and check on him, hoping that he
would be awake...alive. Steve would say "what do you want me to say...I am sure he's well looked after..." The funeral director and assistance at
Bethel Funerals were just amazing and very understanding.
Today... most of Jacob's things are where he left them... we miss him heaps and the things are there to remind us and challenge us to fill them once
again. Because would have done exactly that if he was still here with us. Adversity became my greatest asset because every morning i wake up to an
empty cote and trust God.
We have kept in touch with most of the children that Jacob lived with at the 2 hospitals. We love seeing them grow up into little boys and girls and give
us great joy.
Every year on the 30th of July, we have a gathering, where his little friends come and celebrate with us and
remember Jacob in a very special way.
September 2005 - We held a memorial service for the 1st anniversary. Family and friends gathered together to
remember Jacob. We had a lady play the harp, a gentleman played the pipe, candles were lite to remember
children that had gone before us followed by sit own lunch.
July 2006 - Little friends of Jacob and their family gathered together at our home. We had a big jumping
castle in the backyard, we had a cake that the children all cut together. We shared a home video of
Jacob that no one had ever seen. Then we blessed each child with a gift and we remember the children
that had gone before usas we presented a keepsake to the families.
July 2007 - The we all gathered together at a children's farm. We had hand food, drinks, cup cakes and
goodies. The children enjoyed the tractor, train and pony rides and fed the animals. The children had
lots of fun. The children took home party bags and we remember the children that had gone before us
by presenting families with cactus plants.
One of Jacob's friend is a little boy "Leo" and we often wonder whether they would
have grown up to be best of pals. Leo is 12 days younger to Jacob and his parents
have been very kind in bringing him over as often as they possibly can... he now talks about
Jacob and refers Jacob as his friend in Heaven and one day he told us that he wants to
go to Heaven too so that he could be with Jacob... it brought tears to our eyes and had
to explain to him that he's got so much to live for and one day he would see Jacob in Heaven.
God used Jacob to make a difference in our life and we want to use our experience to make a difference
in other lives.
Steve & Dhackshini Johnson
Jacob Dilshan came into our life (4 years into our marriage) and filled our heart with so much love and joy.
We struggled to conceive for 2 years as I had polistic ovaries. On my birthday, in 2000 Steve bought me a book "Supernatural Childbirth" and I still
remember the tears I shed everyone month when I knew that I was not carrying a child. I am very blessed to have Steve in my life as my husband and
best friend. Steve had never questioned about why I was not getting pregnant and he never made me feel inadequate or less of a woman.
Many of us girls dream about many things, but my dream was to have children and be a stay home mum. I remember taking the home pregnancy
tests (one of many) and to our surprise it showed positive, I had tears running down as I took another test just to make sure that I was seeing things.
I get a chill every time I think back on that wonderful afternoon.
We named our first son Jacob because that was the name I fell in love with when I started to read the Bible and Steve had no objection at all. Dilshan
was a name chosen by Steve. Dil in Tamil means 'Strength' and in Hindi it means 'Life'. I had been praying for a
son for 2 years before conceiving but we did have a girls name picked out too, Jacob would have been
"Jericha Priyalanka" . I always wanted our first born to be a boy because I grew up in a broken home and I had to
grow up very quickly and care for my brother , though I love my brother very much I always wanted a big brother.
Jacob was born prematurely at 23 weeks and was given 10% chance of survival at the time of delivery.
He was in hospital for the first 9 months of his life. Jacob was ventilated (life support) for several weeks.
We nearly lost him at 6 weeks and the age of 6 months due to prematurity and the severity of his chronic lung disease.
I remember the moment when the doctor treating Jacob turn and ask me if we would like to let him go. I screamed,
cried and prayed "Lord don't take my little boy away from me..." I felt the world was against us and all the medical
professionals were concerned about were about the finance aspect of treating premature babies. I often felt helpless
and we fought hard to keep Jacob alive. Doctors often said that he had no hope of coming of his life support let alone
come home.
Jacob was dedicated to the Lord in the ICU at around the age of 6 months. We always prayed with him,
read stories to him and he loved listening to the music and "Baby Bible songs (instrumental)" was his favorite and the
nurses that cared for him knows this very well as often they got sick of hearing it over and over. He would have had no
choice but to grow up to be a Mighty man of God.
To everyone's amazements Jacob was off oxygen for 3 days before coming home on oxygen due to Chronic lung disease and the chest infections.
Jacob was in and out of ICU and wards due to chest infections as the cold weather was not his best friend. Jacob was gradually coming off his
oxygen and was loving being at home with us. Steve & I stayed home full time to care for Jacob and took no outside help from family, friends or
organizations ... we loved every bit of it. It took a long time for Jacob to smile... and when he did nothing was able to stop him... he made our hearts
sing.
Jacob was on full breast milk from birth. I started to express milk from day 1 and 1 expressed to the day of his death. We tried to put Jacob on the
breast but it was just too hard for him and I just wanted the best for my little boy so I stuck to expressing and freezing it. It was hard work as I had to
express every 4 hours. I remember the time after Jacob's death when I had to force my self to express as I started to get sore, I expressed while
having shower and let the milk run into the shower and into the drainage as I cried and cried.
Jacob died at the age of 13.5 months due to a brain hemorrhage (caused by a blood thinning treatment). The most difficult decision that I made was
to turn off his life support ...I remember telling Steve "Its time to let go... I don't want him to suffer no more..." I don't really know if I made the right
choice... and I will never know but at that time I knew that our little boy was no more... The doctors explained how Jacob would pass away very quickly
due to the severity of his bleed as soon as the life support is taken of him but to everyone's surprise Jacob stayed alive in my arms for 8 hours before
he took his last breath and went to be with his Maker. Nothing made sense. As I was holding Jacob in my arms for that whole 8 hours, I sang to him
like I often did and I prayed for miracle though I knew deep inside he would go to be with his Creator. It was the most heartbreaking time of my life
and I pray that no other or father would have to go through it...and I often wonder how people get through without God.
Jacob's last lung x-ray reveled that his lungs were at his best... Nothing made sense. No real explanation.
For the first time in many months I went home with an empty arm. I would often ask Steve to call "Bethel Funerals" and check on him, hoping that he
would be awake...alive. Steve would say "what do you want me to say...I am sure he's well looked after..." The funeral director and assistance at
Bethel Funerals were just amazing and very understanding.
Today... most of Jacob's things are where he left them... we miss him heaps and the things are there to remind us and challenge us to fill them once
again. Because would have done exactly that if he was still here with us. Adversity became my greatest asset because every morning i wake up to an
empty cote and trust God.
We have kept in touch with most of the children that Jacob lived with at the 2 hospitals. We love seeing them grow up into little boys and girls and give
us great joy.
Every year on the 30th of July, we have a gathering, where his little friends come and celebrate with us and
remember Jacob in a very special way.
September 2005 - We held a memorial service for the 1st anniversary. Family and friends gathered together to
remember Jacob. We had a lady play the harp, a gentleman played the pipe, candles were lite to remember
children that had gone before us followed by sit own lunch.
July 2006 - Little friends of Jacob and their family gathered together at our home. We had a big jumping
castle in the backyard, we had a cake that the children all cut together. We shared a home video of
Jacob that no one had ever seen. Then we blessed each child with a gift and we remember the children
that had gone before usas we presented a keepsake to the families.
July 2007 - The we all gathered together at a children's farm. We had hand food, drinks, cup cakes and
goodies. The children enjoyed the tractor, train and pony rides and fed the animals. The children had
lots of fun. The children took home party bags and we remember the children that had gone before us
by presenting families with cactus plants.
One of Jacob's friend is a little boy "Leo" and we often wonder whether they would
have grown up to be best of pals. Leo is 12 days younger to Jacob and his parents
have been very kind in bringing him over as often as they possibly can... he now talks about
Jacob and refers Jacob as his friend in Heaven and one day he told us that he wants to
go to Heaven too so that he could be with Jacob... it brought tears to our eyes and had
to explain to him that he's got so much to live for and one day he would see Jacob in Heaven.
God used Jacob to make a difference in our life and we want to use our experience to make a difference
in other lives.
Precious Johnson
I call this baby "precious" because we have not been able to name this baby. We were pregnant with our 2nd
child the following year of Jacob's passing. I struggled and waited for a couple of weeks before I confirmed the
pregnancy. Iinto my 7th week I started to bleed and I soon after miscarried.
Doctors said that majority of women miscarried at least once or twice in their life time...but the information certainly didn't help me
cope with the loss of our baby.
Today...the hardest thing is not being able to speak about it as much as I would like to as many people were not aware of the
pregnancy or the loss.
I often wonder whether it was a girl or a boy... A little surprise will be waiting for me at the gates of Heaven.
I call this baby "precious" because we have not been able to name this baby. We were pregnant with our 2nd
child the following year of Jacob's passing. I struggled and waited for a couple of weeks before I confirmed the
pregnancy. Iinto my 7th week I started to bleed and I soon after miscarried.
Doctors said that majority of women miscarried at least once or twice in their life time...but the information certainly didn't help me
cope with the loss of our baby.
Today...the hardest thing is not being able to speak about it as much as I would like to as many people were not aware of the
pregnancy or the loss.
I often wonder whether it was a girl or a boy... A little surprise will be waiting for me at the gates of Heaven.
Caleb Dilesh is our 3rd child. I chose this name when Jacob was born and I remember thinking at his bedside "I would love to have another son and I
would love to call him Caleb". Again I told the Lord that I desired a son but for the fun of it we did pick out a girls name "Jerriah Dilshansa". Dilshansa
was to be named after my best friend Kalpana's daughter Prashansa.
We conceived Caleb in January 2006. The pregnancy went well. I worked full time, I rested well and was monitored closely by the hospital and the
doctors were very happy with the progress. One of my hormone levels were higher than normal and he was growing much. The doctors wanted to
check for any abnormality. Before having the test I requested that an ultrasound be done, I was hoping for a miracle. The ultrasound did not detect the
baby's heart beat. I remember the doctor showing me the monitor and asking me whether I can see the heart beat...i didn't have my glasses so I
strained and looked closely and said I was not sure. The doctor said that he couldn't find a heart beat. I was shocked, devastated and heartbroken. I
cried and cried my heart out as I laid down on the ultrasound bed. I waited on my own until Steve and my brother came to the hospital.
I was endued and for several hours my cervix would not dilate. The doctors and nurses found it hard to believe as I had developed cervical
incompetence at 16 weeks with Jacob. I remember thinking that God had answered our prayers and had kept the cervix strong.
I delivered Caleb on the 30th of May 2006 at 10:00am and I remember thinking "Oh my Lord, Jacob was born on the 30th and at 10:00am". I
remember looking at his tiny face and my heart shattered once again as i glanced at his purple neck - the umbilical code was tied around his neck 4
times...all I could think about was how much he would have struggled. It still brings tears to my eyes today when I think about him. Caleb was a
gorgeous baby too and looked so much like his big brother Jacob. I was fortunate to have held him in my arms, touch him and kiss him. The nurses
took photos of Caleb, bathed him and put on a nice little gown.
Again the hardest part was leaving my little boy behind at the hospital.
Because Caleb passed away at 22 weeks we were able to give him a proper burial.
Jacob and Caleb are now resting in the same bed (grave) at the Garden of Angels - Fawkner Cemetery.
Today, I have a little box of memories - Caleb's first gown, footprints, fingerprints, and a picture that I drew of
Caleb from memory and a life time of dreams and hopes....but most of all I draw comfort in the assurance that I will some
day meet all our precious children in Heaven.
would love to call him Caleb". Again I told the Lord that I desired a son but for the fun of it we did pick out a girls name "Jerriah Dilshansa". Dilshansa
was to be named after my best friend Kalpana's daughter Prashansa.
We conceived Caleb in January 2006. The pregnancy went well. I worked full time, I rested well and was monitored closely by the hospital and the
doctors were very happy with the progress. One of my hormone levels were higher than normal and he was growing much. The doctors wanted to
check for any abnormality. Before having the test I requested that an ultrasound be done, I was hoping for a miracle. The ultrasound did not detect the
baby's heart beat. I remember the doctor showing me the monitor and asking me whether I can see the heart beat...i didn't have my glasses so I
strained and looked closely and said I was not sure. The doctor said that he couldn't find a heart beat. I was shocked, devastated and heartbroken. I
cried and cried my heart out as I laid down on the ultrasound bed. I waited on my own until Steve and my brother came to the hospital.
I was endued and for several hours my cervix would not dilate. The doctors and nurses found it hard to believe as I had developed cervical
incompetence at 16 weeks with Jacob. I remember thinking that God had answered our prayers and had kept the cervix strong.
I delivered Caleb on the 30th of May 2006 at 10:00am and I remember thinking "Oh my Lord, Jacob was born on the 30th and at 10:00am". I
remember looking at his tiny face and my heart shattered once again as i glanced at his purple neck - the umbilical code was tied around his neck 4
times...all I could think about was how much he would have struggled. It still brings tears to my eyes today when I think about him. Caleb was a
gorgeous baby too and looked so much like his big brother Jacob. I was fortunate to have held him in my arms, touch him and kiss him. The nurses
took photos of Caleb, bathed him and put on a nice little gown.
Again the hardest part was leaving my little boy behind at the hospital.
Because Caleb passed away at 22 weeks we were able to give him a proper burial.
Jacob and Caleb are now resting in the same bed (grave) at the Garden of Angels - Fawkner Cemetery.
Today, I have a little box of memories - Caleb's first gown, footprints, fingerprints, and a picture that I drew of
Caleb from memory and a life time of dreams and hopes....but most of all I draw comfort in the assurance that I will some
day meet all our precious children in Heaven.
 | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  |
After reading some of the chapters of our life, I hope you can understand why I am so passionate
about hurting women.
Having been trough the heartache of infertility, complicated pregnancy, premature baby and the
complications associated with prematurity and treatments and sudden loss of our only child, then
having to face 2 more losses through miscarriage and stillbirth.... I have been able come through
only because God has picked me up and carried time and time again. And I want to see other
women like myself experience what I am.
Adversity is our greatest asset
because every morning we can wake up and trust God.
You are not alone...get connected today!
about hurting women.
Having been trough the heartache of infertility, complicated pregnancy, premature baby and the
complications associated with prematurity and treatments and sudden loss of our only child, then
having to face 2 more losses through miscarriage and stillbirth.... I have been able come through
only because God has picked me up and carried time and time again. And I want to see other
women like myself experience what I am.
Adversity is our greatest asset
because every morning we can wake up and trust God.
You are not alone...get connected today!