Not looking forward to special days
Special times and anniversaries can be very painful. You may decide to plan an activity to occupy your thoughts or try to treat
the day in the usual way. You may wish to spend it quietly on your own. You can help mark the anniversary of the death in
some ways – perhaps with a visit to the grave or spending time with the family or friends, or possibly a place of special
memory and release balloons or butterflies…
Once you have survived the difficult day, you will feel stronger and better able to cope.
Other people may be uncertain how to respond at this time. Some will feel that they should not intrude, others will want to give
you support but be unsure how to do so. It is comforting if others can acknowledge the importance of this special day.
It can be very painful to think about and take part in special events without your child who has died. The unfillable gap my be
particularly hard to cope with at these times. You may have mixed feelings. You may want to say anything in case it upsets
other people, and yet at the same time you need to have some acknowledgement of your own feelings and those of others.
You may possibly find it helpful to talk about it beforehand.
Going on holidays for the first time can be strange and painful. Some bereaved people arrange people to arrange to go to a
familiar place and others try something new. It may take a year or so before you feel confident enough to tackle a holiday away
from home, either alone or in company.
When the Holidays Hurt
10 ways to cope with loss during a season of celebration.
By Victor M. Parachin
For many people, the holidays are a traditional time of happiness and festivity. However, for those who are grieving the loss of
a loved one, the holidays are a time of mixed emotions. There can be pleasure, but there is also much pain, because the
season magnifies the sense of loss.
There are no quick fixes to getting rid of the hurt. Thankfully, God does use the loving support of our friends and family and the
passage of time to heal our broken hearts. But here are 10 ways to manage in the meantime.
1. Plan ahead. Remind yourself, there is no right or wrong way to spend the holiday. Have a family meeting to discuss the best
way to deal with the holiday. Some people opt to completely alter the way they celebrate. One woman says: "As my children
were grown and living in different parts of the country, I made plans to do something completely different by booking a cruise
vacation over Thanksgiving. I know you can't run away from grief and it was hard for me, but not nearly as difficult as it would
have been to remain home alone without my husband."
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18
Other families choose to maintain holiday traditions. "Even though we had an empty chair after Dad died, we all wanted to do
the same things in the same way we had always done," recalls Jonathan, a 19-year-old whose father died from cancer four
months before the holiday. "Our family sat down one evening and discussed how we would do Christmas. It was unanimous
that the familiar would be the most comfortable. So, with both tears and smiles, we put up the tree, decorated the house inside
and out, attended church on Christmas Eve and, on Christmas Day, had our traditional holiday family meal."
2. Let your church help. The apostle James offers this advice when we are hurting: "Is any one of you in trouble? He should
pray … Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of
the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up" (James 5:13-15). That
passage makes clear that there are times when going it alone is going nowhere. Reach out to your faith community. Be in the
presence of others as they worship and sing praise to God. Ask them to pray with you and for you. Adapt the scripture from
James to your situation, reading it this way: "Is any one of you grieving? He or she should call the elders of the church to pray
…"
3. Claim the promises of Scripture. Time after time, the Bible promises comfort from sorrow, healing from hurts, and peace in
place of pain. Tap into the promises of God's Word such as these and claim them for yourself:
• "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak … those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength"
(Isa. 40:29, 31).
• "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Ps. 34:18).
• "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" (Matt. 5:4).
Let such passages soothe your spirit. Ask God to protect you from being "consumed" by grief and to give you strength when
you are feeling "crushed."
4. Keep expectations reasonable. Marta Felber offers that advice in her book Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies (Ave
Maria Press). "My loved one died on January 25. Almost immediately, I began to dread the next Christmas without him, exactly
11 months away!" she recalls. Her way of reducing that anxiety was to plan carefully and keep expectations realistic. "Try to
have reasonable expectations," she says. "There are important ways in which celebrations will not, and cannot, ever be the
same again. So it is okay to plan for them to be different. Be realistic about what you can handle, both physically and
emotionally. Be kind to yourself and nurturing."
5. Network with other grievers. According to Harold Ivan Smith, a minister and author of A Decembered Grief: Living With Loss
While Others are Celebrating (Beacon Hill Press), becoming involved with others in a grief support group can help you
discover that you are not alone, that mourning is not an illness or self-indulgence, and that there are people to whom you can
open your heart.
6. Remember the loved one who died. The worst thing a family can do is to try to ignore the reality of a loss. It is simply
impossible to hide the fact that a loved one has died and is painfully absent during the holiday. Rather than try to minimize the
absence, remember the loved one who died by offering a moment of silence at a meal, lighting a candle in his or her memory,
placing his or her favorite ornament on the tree, tucking a memorial card into your holiday cards to distant friends, decorating
the grave, etc. One 12-year-old, whose older sister died two months before Christmas, made an ornament at school with her
name carefully printed on it along with her year of birth and death.
Also, when friends are around, be certain to talk about the deceased loved one. Your willingness to do so will signal to friends
that it is okay to speak about that person and share memories.
7. Expand your "family" at holiday time. Rather than be demoralized by an empty chair during the holiday, consider expanding
your "family" during this time. "I remember the first Christmas after our son Timothy was killed in an auto accident," recalls one
father. "We obsessed about getting through Christmas dinner facing his empty chair. We came up with the idea of filling his
chair with several other people. That Christmas we invited a distant relative to spend the week with us. We also invited two
recently widowed men from our church to share Christmas dinner. As we sat together all of us were thankful for the love
around the table and the memories we shared."
8. Don't feel you have to do it all. It's perfectly fine to let family and friends assist you with shopping, cleaning, cooking, wrapping
gifts, delivering, and many other details connected with holidays. If being in crowded malls with festive shoppers and holiday
music playing promises to be upsetting, then don't go. Some families do all their shopping via catalogs and the Internet. Try to
remind yourself, as well, that the holidays will still take place even if you don't get everything done as you did in previous years.
9. Take care of yourself physically. "Holidays can be physically draining, especially if this is your first experience with a holiday
since the death of your loved one. Respect your mind and your body," write Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C.
DeVries, in their book, The Empty Chair: Handling Grief on Holidays and Special Occasions (Baker Books). "The acronym
DEER (drink, eat, exercise, rest) may help you stay focused on taking care of yourself. Holidays take enough energy by
themselves without the additional gut-wrenching pain of a death.
10. Protect your boundaries. No one knows your grief better than you do. During the holidays, when people extend invitations or
ask you to take on tasks, give yourself permission to say "no thank you" or "I'll pass on it for now." Another way of protecting
personal boundaries is to accept an invitation but with some limits. This kind of statement is a perfectly appropriate response
to an invitation: "Yes, I will be happy to join you, but please know that I may have to excuse myself a little earlier than others."
Finally, try to comfort yourself with this reminder: Most people who are bereaved say that the anticipation of the holiday is
always much worse than the holiday itself. Rest assured that, with God's grace, the day will not be nearly as difficult as you
think it will.
Special times and anniversaries can be very painful. You may decide to plan an activity to occupy your thoughts or try to treat
the day in the usual way. You may wish to spend it quietly on your own. You can help mark the anniversary of the death in
some ways – perhaps with a visit to the grave or spending time with the family or friends, or possibly a place of special
memory and release balloons or butterflies…
Once you have survived the difficult day, you will feel stronger and better able to cope.
Other people may be uncertain how to respond at this time. Some will feel that they should not intrude, others will want to give
you support but be unsure how to do so. It is comforting if others can acknowledge the importance of this special day.
It can be very painful to think about and take part in special events without your child who has died. The unfillable gap my be
particularly hard to cope with at these times. You may have mixed feelings. You may want to say anything in case it upsets
other people, and yet at the same time you need to have some acknowledgement of your own feelings and those of others.
You may possibly find it helpful to talk about it beforehand.
Going on holidays for the first time can be strange and painful. Some bereaved people arrange people to arrange to go to a
familiar place and others try something new. It may take a year or so before you feel confident enough to tackle a holiday away
from home, either alone or in company.
When the Holidays Hurt
10 ways to cope with loss during a season of celebration.
By Victor M. Parachin
For many people, the holidays are a traditional time of happiness and festivity. However, for those who are grieving the loss of
a loved one, the holidays are a time of mixed emotions. There can be pleasure, but there is also much pain, because the
season magnifies the sense of loss.
There are no quick fixes to getting rid of the hurt. Thankfully, God does use the loving support of our friends and family and the
passage of time to heal our broken hearts. But here are 10 ways to manage in the meantime.
1. Plan ahead. Remind yourself, there is no right or wrong way to spend the holiday. Have a family meeting to discuss the best
way to deal with the holiday. Some people opt to completely alter the way they celebrate. One woman says: "As my children
were grown and living in different parts of the country, I made plans to do something completely different by booking a cruise
vacation over Thanksgiving. I know you can't run away from grief and it was hard for me, but not nearly as difficult as it would
have been to remain home alone without my husband."
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18
Other families choose to maintain holiday traditions. "Even though we had an empty chair after Dad died, we all wanted to do
the same things in the same way we had always done," recalls Jonathan, a 19-year-old whose father died from cancer four
months before the holiday. "Our family sat down one evening and discussed how we would do Christmas. It was unanimous
that the familiar would be the most comfortable. So, with both tears and smiles, we put up the tree, decorated the house inside
and out, attended church on Christmas Eve and, on Christmas Day, had our traditional holiday family meal."
2. Let your church help. The apostle James offers this advice when we are hurting: "Is any one of you in trouble? He should
pray … Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of
the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up" (James 5:13-15). That
passage makes clear that there are times when going it alone is going nowhere. Reach out to your faith community. Be in the
presence of others as they worship and sing praise to God. Ask them to pray with you and for you. Adapt the scripture from
James to your situation, reading it this way: "Is any one of you grieving? He or she should call the elders of the church to pray
…"
3. Claim the promises of Scripture. Time after time, the Bible promises comfort from sorrow, healing from hurts, and peace in
place of pain. Tap into the promises of God's Word such as these and claim them for yourself:
• "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak … those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength"
(Isa. 40:29, 31).
• "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Ps. 34:18).
• "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" (Matt. 5:4).
Let such passages soothe your spirit. Ask God to protect you from being "consumed" by grief and to give you strength when
you are feeling "crushed."
4. Keep expectations reasonable. Marta Felber offers that advice in her book Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies (Ave
Maria Press). "My loved one died on January 25. Almost immediately, I began to dread the next Christmas without him, exactly
11 months away!" she recalls. Her way of reducing that anxiety was to plan carefully and keep expectations realistic. "Try to
have reasonable expectations," she says. "There are important ways in which celebrations will not, and cannot, ever be the
same again. So it is okay to plan for them to be different. Be realistic about what you can handle, both physically and
emotionally. Be kind to yourself and nurturing."
5. Network with other grievers. According to Harold Ivan Smith, a minister and author of A Decembered Grief: Living With Loss
While Others are Celebrating (Beacon Hill Press), becoming involved with others in a grief support group can help you
discover that you are not alone, that mourning is not an illness or self-indulgence, and that there are people to whom you can
open your heart.
6. Remember the loved one who died. The worst thing a family can do is to try to ignore the reality of a loss. It is simply
impossible to hide the fact that a loved one has died and is painfully absent during the holiday. Rather than try to minimize the
absence, remember the loved one who died by offering a moment of silence at a meal, lighting a candle in his or her memory,
placing his or her favorite ornament on the tree, tucking a memorial card into your holiday cards to distant friends, decorating
the grave, etc. One 12-year-old, whose older sister died two months before Christmas, made an ornament at school with her
name carefully printed on it along with her year of birth and death.
Also, when friends are around, be certain to talk about the deceased loved one. Your willingness to do so will signal to friends
that it is okay to speak about that person and share memories.
7. Expand your "family" at holiday time. Rather than be demoralized by an empty chair during the holiday, consider expanding
your "family" during this time. "I remember the first Christmas after our son Timothy was killed in an auto accident," recalls one
father. "We obsessed about getting through Christmas dinner facing his empty chair. We came up with the idea of filling his
chair with several other people. That Christmas we invited a distant relative to spend the week with us. We also invited two
recently widowed men from our church to share Christmas dinner. As we sat together all of us were thankful for the love
around the table and the memories we shared."
8. Don't feel you have to do it all. It's perfectly fine to let family and friends assist you with shopping, cleaning, cooking, wrapping
gifts, delivering, and many other details connected with holidays. If being in crowded malls with festive shoppers and holiday
music playing promises to be upsetting, then don't go. Some families do all their shopping via catalogs and the Internet. Try to
remind yourself, as well, that the holidays will still take place even if you don't get everything done as you did in previous years.
9. Take care of yourself physically. "Holidays can be physically draining, especially if this is your first experience with a holiday
since the death of your loved one. Respect your mind and your body," write Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C.
DeVries, in their book, The Empty Chair: Handling Grief on Holidays and Special Occasions (Baker Books). "The acronym
DEER (drink, eat, exercise, rest) may help you stay focused on taking care of yourself. Holidays take enough energy by
themselves without the additional gut-wrenching pain of a death.
10. Protect your boundaries. No one knows your grief better than you do. During the holidays, when people extend invitations or
ask you to take on tasks, give yourself permission to say "no thank you" or "I'll pass on it for now." Another way of protecting
personal boundaries is to accept an invitation but with some limits. This kind of statement is a perfectly appropriate response
to an invitation: "Yes, I will be happy to join you, but please know that I may have to excuse myself a little earlier than others."
Finally, try to comfort yourself with this reminder: Most people who are bereaved say that the anticipation of the holiday is
always much worse than the holiday itself. Rest assured that, with God's grace, the day will not be nearly as difficult as you
think it will.
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